It is loud living downtown. Sometimes I forget just how noisy it is until I slip back home to a smaller Midwestern town. Stepping onto my parents’ porch at 10 o’clock at night is eerily quiet. Society is moving away from having quiet unplugged lives. We are constantly “told” to check our email at home, strive to snag that bigger and better project at work and if you’re a woman you better also have a well prepared dinner on the table for your family. What if I don’t want to check my email after work? What if I put myself first and go to the gym resulting in a night of leftovers?
Am I enough to just be someone’s sister? Daughter? What does that even mean in 2018 when all I am is inundated by group text messages that I usually don’t respond to. I don’t post my every move on Facebook and usually go the entire week without driving or texting. Am I failing at adapting to what it means to be a good sister in 2018? Do I have to text pictures, updates and my supper photos for my family to realize how much I love them and strive to be connected to them?
And well my body, regardless of how much I continue to remain well in my physical, spiritual and emotional body, I have lost all hope that I will be able to look like any girl on T.V. these days. I’m oddly proportioned and not willing to give up a beer with friends on a Friday night. Is it acceptable that I have reached status of “take me or leave me” when it comes to my attractiveness? Is it enough to have a body that is “just okay”?
I doubted myself as a boss for quite some time. I had to grow roots within myself that were deeper than they had been before, but still find I sway from time to time. Is it enough that I only had time to say good morning or good night within the day yesterday? Is it enough that raises come once a year and that the rest of the year is supplemented with ridiculous food parties like Cinco de Mayo? The individual matters to me, but does money speak louder than relationships? Can I do it any other way but still be true to who I am-a human to human relationship kind of person?
I’m home too much. I’m home not enough. I rarely find balance that seems to satisfy my husband. I love him very much, but nothing has looked fairy tale. I don’t have a child. We don’t have a child. We follow some of our couple’s therapy rules but not all of them. Is our marriage enough? Am I enough for our marriage?
What does life look like if we embrace who we are? If I stop railing against what comes naturally to me and make peace with who I am. I have slowly moved away from all the questions listed above over the years, planting firmly that I am enough. I might not be your kind of person, but I am a kind person. I will call over text. I will always value the human relationship over money. I will continue to strive for real health, not a really skinny body. I will continue to pick my husband over and over again.
I work with clients every day that ask these types of questions. I have friends and family that live in these questions daily. We need to find our internal compass and allow it to shine. To validate ourselves and surround ourselves with people who will do it for us on the days we can’t. You have to affirm every day that you are a total badass and will conqueror whatever life hands you that day.
Find your roots. Plant them. Know you are enough.