The last week and a half of 2021 I felt as if I were a tethered wrecking ball. Another year of being smothered with the loss COVID has slayed upon the world seemed to be the other foot we were hoping wouldn’t drop as we sat on our couches New Year’s Eve of 2020. But it did.
Then I received a text before Christmas that I sat in complete and utter shock over. My childhood “second dad” unexpectedly passed away with a call three hours later reporting that my grandmother passed. I sat numb for hours on end. Knowing that while this loss felt eerily similar to the loss of the last 2 years, it would end up being different for me. When I was finally able to string enough words together to create a fairly coherent sentence, my inner circle quietly and gently placed bumper pads just in case the tether gave out.
I felt rowdy. I felt angsty. I felt like crashing into things, getting loud and making horribly impulsive unhealthy choices. Yet I remained steadfast. Steadfast on the course that had consistently served me over the years. I ran long hard miles with the loudest most obnoxious punk rock beat I could find. Regardless of the pace or mileage most of the time tears ran down my cheek. I stayed the course and responded to inner circle check in texts with honesty. Boundaries were set. I loved on my dog and ability to acknowledge that while I was doing everything I could to keep myself tethered, I wasn’t always fully connecting to the emotional side of grief.
There is gratefulness that I was born with a natural ability to be responsible. I am grateful to the adults in my life growing up who helped me learn the rewards of said responsibility. I’m the most grateful to my adult self who drew a map 15 years ago that would serve as a roadmap for standard healthy ways of navigating the unfairness and cruelty of the world and the humans in it.
I lost really great humans-maybe the best actually. Healing continues. I search for the calm that winter brings and the release that dance parties and laughter offer.
Go to therapy and draw a map. Not only for any regular Tuesday that seems kind of hard, but for the moment’s life encourages you to become a wrecking ball.
Create a map. Follow it. Stay the course.
I’m Running Low on Serotonin
